Difficulty with Selfishness and Alzheimer’s

This has been a touchy subject for me. I am ashamed to say that I have been avoiding acceptance of the disease and the course it is taking. In doing so have been avoiding my family altogether.

For quite especially the last two years, for every holiday or birthday, I have been going over to visit two strangers. Strangers who become different to me each new visit I make. Although I remain recognizable to them, they are nowhere resembling the grandparents I grew up with. You may have guessed it by now, but my grandparents have fallen victim to the heartbreaking diseases of Alzheimer’s and dementia.

I have been sitting back and staying away for very selfish reasons wondering if that is the norm of this disease... selfishness. Is it selfish to want to turn back time back to when we could have coherent conversations? Is it selfish to not want to have to talk my Grandma out of a meltdown because she is extremely confused? Is it selfish to go home and cry that you don’t want to go back after watching your Grandpa get lost going to his bedroom? Is it selfish to know you should go visit, but don’t make a valiant effort out of fear of being uncomfortable around people who used to help raise you? Am I a selfish jerk for being thankful that this horrible disease is not in my blood line?

And I am only the granddaughter. I definitely do not envy my mom for having to be in the frontline during this time. She has been a serious angel for her parents. The hardest job she will ever have is becoming a parent for the people who raised her. It is difficult to see her so sad over something she has absolutely no control over. I love here and I will be here for her, but something she said tonight really made my heart ache. She uttered the words, “I just need my mom.” I can’t imagine not being able to talk to my mom about something so challenging.

All I have control over now are the sweet memories I have of my grandparents and the wonderful times we have shared together. I can be thankful that I still have grandparents who I can go over and spoil since they spent so much time spoiling me. I am thankful that they are living their life out in their own home under the utmost care of their amazing caregivers. I am thankful for the family and friends who continue to wrap their arms around my mom and show her love as she continues to struggle with the ugliness of this disease.

Hold your family close and continue to make beautiful memories that you can cherish forever!