One Year

Grief is a weird thing. It shows itself differently in different people. For me it has felt almost non-existent to the point where I found myself wondering what wrong with me. But then on the drive home from work yesterday... BAM! All of the emotions hit me at once. 

One year ago today. That is when we lost my grandpa. I remember the phone call I got in the afternoon from my mom. I remember feeling numb but at the same time trying to sort out everything at school so I could be with my family. I remember the drive to the hospice house, and the sound of the drowned out music playing in the background of all the thoughts and memories rushing through my head as I finally pulled into the parking lot. And then I saw him and said my last goodbyes. 

After months of inactivity and not really feeling like myself, I decided that is not how I wanted to honor my grandpa's life. I know he would want me to continue to do the things I love and get out there and experience my life. He always encouraged me to be curious, imaginative, and pursue my dreams. So I grabbed the control back on my life. I have stayed busy and have had many enjoyable experiences over the year as well as some rather stressful ones. I have been going non-stop. This week has been a busy yet successful one and I have felt really good, which again concerned me that I wasn't feeling any grief. But like I said, it is different for everyone and my way of processing things is to just keep moving forward. I typically try not to let my emotions get the best of me and have a hard time letting myself cry in front of other people. I think that is why when I was alone in my car, everything unleashed. 

I cry tears of sadness because I miss him. I cry tears of anger because Alzheimer's isn't fair. I cry tears of happiness thinking about all of the wonderful memories I have with my grandpa. I cry because whether I want to admit it or not... I am vulnerable. And with this vulnerability, I would like to share the last words I gave to my grandpa. 

"I was raised in a single parent household which meant the best news in the world: I always got to go to my grandparent’s house. It was there that I got to experience the absolute best pastime in the world... time with Grandpa. My grandpa was without a doubt the closest I ever got to having a dad, but obviously with added extra of getting spoiled. He was definitely my “go to guy” for anything I ever wanted whether it was a trip to Dairy Queen and the Dollar Tree, a ride on his shoulders while we set out for a quest to find all the mirrors Grandma had in the house. We would take walks to Richard's pond and skip rocks, or race from the yard to the house, and he would even play the perfect zookeeper as I pretended to be a rather feisty boa constrictor. He taught me how to drive on the tractor and then later dared to sit in the passenger seat as I took the old Buick out for a spin. I know he looked forward for the County Fair so he could sample every single trial of my 4H baking projects. He put on my corsage at my first prom and danced with me on my wedding day... to Frank Sinatra of course. But what I remember and loved most about my Grandpa were his stories. 

I could always count on him to tell the most captivating tales that were way better than any bedtime story read from a book. Any time I was lucky enough to spend the night at Grandma and Grandpa's I would always ask for a story from Grandpa before going to bed. His stories were so vivid you could close your eyes and be a part of them yourself. There were stories from his childhood during the summer where he and his friends would run the streets of Topeka and play “kick the can” or even lose some swim trunks at the community pool. He would include the times where he cut up in school and played the class clown. And then of course there was the snake in the Porta potty incident. Grandpa’s stories were legend, but none as legendary as his infamous “Lenard Lenard” story. It was the most requested by all the grand-kids and the one I never completely could tell if it was fact or fiction. Sometimes I think he would indulge us because he knew that story got under Grandma’s skin. The mystery behind the “Lenard Lenard” origin is one of the reasons it is my all time favorite.

My Grandpa’s whole life was a unique culmination of everything that made him the most amazing man I am lucky enough to have known. He truly was my best bud from day one. From hours on the tire swing to singing countless renditions of “The Coffee Song” and “Chiquita Banana” in the kitchen, I feel so blessed to have made so many memories to cherish and celebrate his life. "

An Afternoon with Grandma

So, if I've learned anything thus far in life, it is to embrace what you have while you have it. I can say from personal experience that I have let too many moments pass me by because I have been afraid of the reality of the situations at hand. I speak, of course, of my Grandpa. I let so much time go by since he had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and his passing this last September without actually going to see him and spend time with him. Sure there were the Easter's and Christmas's and other "family get-together" holidays, but I never went to just go see him or make a phone call because I was afraid.

To be fair, I wasn't afraid of him. I was afraid of the fact that I was no longer going to see the man I grew up knowing. Selfish reasons kept me away. This is the number one thing that I regret upon his passing. This is the number one reason that I wanted to spend as much time with him as I could while he was in hospice care. This is also the reason that I now realize the time I have left with my Grandma... is priceless.

Other than my Mom, these are the people who raised me, and are part of who I am today. These are the people who poured themselves into me as a child and young adolescent. This is my family. They deserve to be loved and cherished for as long as they are living, even if it brings hardship on my end. Family is not just your lifeline... you are also their lifeline sometimes. This brings me to my weekend.

I got to spend the better part of my Saturday with my Mom and Grandma. A little while ago I got to thinking, after we lost my Grandpa, that it would be a good idea for my Mom and myself to go over to Grandma's and have a family dinner at least once a month if not more. I don't want to wait for holidays anymore. I don't want so much time to pass by that I don't recognize her anymore or worse... she doesn't recognize me. She is the woman who taught me so much in life from baking to choosing clothing that was flattering for me. She spent so much of her time with me as I was growing up; the least I can do is spend a Saturday with her as often as I can.

We had a nice afternoon together. We played about four rounds of Skip-Bo where I think my Mom was victorious two of the four rounds. I was then able to pay back a tiny fraction of the meals Grandma had provided me over the years. It felt amazing to be cooking a meal for her in the very same kitchen where I learned the basics of cooking and baking. It was the same old stove and the same old oven I had learned in as a child. All the pots, baking sheets, and miscellaneous cooking paraphernalia, right where I left them. Only my meal I had prepared for over an hour was bested by some microwave broccoli with Parmesan cheese and Tuscan seasoning. But darn it all if I wasn't mad in the least. That was just like Grandma... choosing veggies over anything. Some things felt so right from that night, but other things are noticeably different.  One thing still remains the same. I will cherish these moments for as long as I can get them, because one day they will be all I have.

Mrs. Imparato

Why Do I Want to Lose Weight???

I know, I know. My topics have been really one sided to begin the year. It really isn't my intention to make this blog all about weight loss and my new healthy habits, but it is my intention to let you in on the goings on in my life. Well this is what my life has come to at the moment. That being said, I get to start this post off by sharing some wonderful news. I have officially lost 10 pounds! 🎉 Woo hoo! Again I attribute this to the initial water weight, but hey 10 pounds is 10 pounds. I'll take it!

10 pounds down = a new shirt for me!

Now comes the big question: why do I want to lose weight? Well the main flashing sign is the one that tells me I need to because I failed my bio-metric screening for my health insurance, however that is not the most constructive way to think of this question. A lot of these forthcoming thoughts have been constructed based on the fact that I have spent a lot of my free time listening to a podcast called "Losing 100 Pounds with Phit-n-Phat. This podcast has completely changed the way I am trying to view my weight loss this time around. You see, I have always gone about this from a negative stand point. "You need to lose weight because you don't look good." "You are disgusting because you ate that cookie." The list of dumping on myself could go on and on. But these thoughts are not constructive and are definitely not empowering enough to make me want to stick with my new healthy choices.

So may I present the new version of myself I want to become:

The biggest vision I have is being the version of myself my husband sees on a daily basis. I want to start believing all the things he tells me instead of just scoffing at him. I also don't want to put that pressure on him of needing to tell me positive things. Eventually if I scoff enough I may not hear them anymore, and I have no one to blame except myself. I want to become a version of myself who is comfortable in my own skin, whether I'm 220 pounds or 160 pounds. If I don't have confidence in my appearance now, I'm not going to magically sprout it based off a number on the scale. I want to ditch the negative self image and become more positive with myself. If I treat myself nicely during this journey, I will more likely want to stay on track.

The next version of myself I see is a lady who can buy what she wants from a store without worrying about if it will fit or not. I want to be that "hot mama" who can pull anything off she puts her mind to. Do I sound conceited? You betcha! Am I actually going to be that way? Absolutely not. But the point is for me to think big and make big exciting plans for myself. I would be lying if I said I haven't been pinning outfits on Pinterest for my future self. Having something tangible to aim for such as a new and exciting wardrobe is another motivator to keep me going... now we will see if the hubby will think this is a good idea when it comes time to pay the price. 😆

Finally I want to lose weight for my health. I recently watched a YouTube video where a couple of people were drunkenly exclaiming "Guys... We are in the prime of our lives!!" I was laughing at the time because they were just obnoxiously going on and on, but the more I thought about it the more it sank in. This is the prime of my life. I need to start establishing my healthy habits now. I am only given one body and I need to take care of it if I want to accomplish all my life's ambitions. I don't want to run the risk of developing diabetes. I don't want my doctor to lecture me every time I go in for my yearly physical. I don't want to have to have counseling sessions from my insurance based on the fact my BMI is telling me I'm obese. I want to be able to travel and have fun with my friends and family. I want to continue teaching the kiddos who need me the most. I want to get to a point in life where I no longer put food on a pedestal. For this to become a reality, I need to make the necessary healthy choices to allow the best version of myself to come to fruition. And this starts with a positive outlook on why I am making these changes.

Mrs. Imparato

My First Week of New Habits

So my first week of changing up my habits has now come and gone and I would like to give a little snippet of what I encountered.

First of all I am involved in a group chat with a bunch of awesome people who provide motivation to each other. This is not only a motivational platform but also a place of comfort and caring for one another. We have shared everything from delicious and healthy meals to crazy workouts. There have also been times of panic and grief. Yes... all this in only a week. This has made me realize that if I truly want to go down this path, I cannot do it alone and that is okay. Surrounding yourself with others who will motivate you and share their own journey with you is a great tool for success.

The next big success in the week can be attributed to the fact that Nate and I came up with a meal plan and stuck with it. I used to make excuses about how much time it would take to meal plan or even prep my lunch. Well, no more excuses. Yes... it took a while to come up with a plan we were both satisfied with, but we are not going to succeed together if we are not truly in this together. So yes, we will take the time to find a menu that we are both excited to consume.

Did I want to eat other things in between what we had planned? Yes. Did I want to eat all the "bad" things that would send me out of ketosis? Yes. Did I give in this time? Well I would be lying if I said no. On Tuesday we were back in school with our students which meant all the temptations were back such as breakfast, access to the not low-carb snacks I provide for my classroom, and the added temptation of Krispy Kremes in the office. I managed to resist all of those all the way until the end of the day at 4:00 pm. But then I started thinking about how I still had to be there two more hours for tutoring. Two more hours until I could go home to my planned dinner. Two more hours added on to the already tiring day I had. I was not happy that day about those two more hours. So what did I do? I ate 3 (three!!) fun-size packets of Skittles. Boom! Already making the excuses. But here is why I am choosing to admit it to myself and everyone. I don't want to start making all of those excuses again such as, "oh well it is only one... and then one more. I'm tired and stressed. I deserve this, I made it through the first day back!" NO! The second I consumed them I had instant regret. The small moment of happiness I got from the sweet delicious treat was immediately followed by a hate in myself for doing that. The difference this time is that I actually logged it into my food diary. Where as before I would make the other excuse, "well since it was only one I won't log it into my food diary." That is where my mistakes were made in the past. Do you know how many "oops" foods I didn't log last year? Enough to help me gain back all the weight I had lost the first time and then some. The second I start down the path of eating food that is not on the plan and start making excuses and trying to hide my mistakes is the second I lose control. This time I am in control and I am going to recognize my excuses and not use them as a means to eat poorly.

This leads me to the third advantage of the week. Logging my meals. This is tedious and yes I forget a lot, but my back up plan of taking pictures of my meal really helped me out in remembering what to log. The first time I was successful with keto, I logged faithfully. The second, third, and fourth time I failed keto, I did not log. Logging meals and snacks is a tool for accountability. If I follow my meal plan and log what I eat, I'm holding myself accountable for what goes in my body.

Finally (and probably the most annoying thing as a teacher), I can attribute much of my success to water. I have made a commitment to drink an entire gallon of water daily. This is easily achieved as I am now starting the day with a gallon container which does not need to be refilled. Shout out and thanks to my friend Rose Downing for showing me what to get and where to get it! This bottle is so much more sleek and stylish than carrying around a milk jug! I will post a link to one at the end for those interested. My downfall last semester was the fact that I am so busy during the day that I forget or do not have time to refill my smaller water bottles enough times to equate to a gallon of water. To anyone out there with a gallon a day goal, I recommend getting something that you only have to keep track of filling once a day. It has really helped me. Now, do I have to pee a lot? Yes. But I just remember that it is good and healthy if I am going to be getting rid of all my toxins in my body. My skin has looked and felt more rejuvenated, and I have stayed away from Diet Dr. Pepper and sugar free Red Bull, which I was basically drinking two a day before break. Sure, water rusts pipes (that one is for you Uncle Mark), but it is way better than what I was surviving on before.

As I close today's blog I would like to note that I have lost 7 pounds this week! I know that such a sudden "whoosh" of water weight is normal for those beginning a keto diet, so I don't expect that to be a typical result going forward but it is nice to see that I am moving in the right direction. I was also able to squeeze into some jeans on Friday which I was not able to do the whole three weeks leading up to Christmas break. I will consider that a win and keep at it for this week!

Mrs. Imparato

p.s. Here's the Amazon link to the gallon water bottle I found: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07CYJW9SV

Being Honest with Myself in 2019

I’m pretty sure I have made this post before with this same subject matter. Weight loss. A heavily over-talked subject for this time of year. Yes, I know everyone’s resolutions are flowing in and yes, I realize I am one of them too. I will not deny that January 1st each new year is a new opportunity to take control. A new opportunity to say, “hey, it will be different.” Yes, I am not stranger to the routine.

A friend of mine recently said that it starts with honesty. Being honest with yourself. So here goes...

Dear Self,

As you and I both know, being of one body, 2018 sucked. How, you ask? Well look back to your blog post precisely one year ago. Remember... the one with the food baby bump? Yeah, the one that you totally made a first class dipwad out of yourself. Okay we are being honest... not brutal. You had every good intention, yes. But what you did not have was focus, determination, and the will to make a change for the better. You looked at it as a “Oh yeah, I’ve been there and done that. It is totally within my grasp.” You saw it as an easy way out to say you were going to make the change but you never really got the stamina to really make the change. You kept finding those little excuses that you needed to make the choices you were making. You kept buying terrible food and saying, “Well this is going to be my last bad meal so why not make it something worth having?” I can’t even count on both hands how many of those “last meals” you had in 2018.

Now sure, a lot of those things in 2018 were so worth it, such as dining with your husband at Disney World’s Food and Wine Festival, and partaking in different festivities closer to home. You did have a good time, but those good times are not because of the food you ate. It was due to the experiences you had with those around you. Self, if there is one piece of wisdom I impart on you for 2019 it is this... food is not the cause of great experiences. Great experiences come from those you experience life with. Yes, food will always be there, but it will not define how good of a time you have in life.

Let’s talk about the bad times, because there were some of those too in 2018. You will NOT blame your grandpa’s death as the reason you are now at your all time highest weight of your life. That is not fair to him or you, and you know that is not the reason. The reason is you have made food a comfort. I’m here to tell you, food is not a long term comfort. Food will comfort you for the first few bites, but as you continue to stuff your mouth, you will question if it is right you should be eating those things. Next you will question why you did that to yourself as you are writhing with the stomach pain of over-stuffing. Then to sum up 2018 you will stand on the scale in your bathroom looking at numbers you have never seen before and trying to make jokes about being so big that you are wearing certain clothes because none of your other “go-to’s” fit right. You will then start feeling sorry for yourself and wander down a path that is not good for anyone to walk down.

Self, I am not saying any of this to you for pity. I am saying this because I have come to realize that we need a change in attitude about a lot of things. Do we need to lose weight? Sure. But more importantly we need to get back to a healthy attitude about ourself. (Yes world I know that is not a word... just go with it!)

So... now that I have been honest with myself there is just one thing left to do. Get back on track to a healthier lifestyle whatever that may entail. I will not be posting “before” pictures just yet, even though I have definitely taken them. I want those to stay a motivation just for me as I begin my journey again. I will also not set hard limits for myself in front of everyone as that is a hard goal to achieve. I would like to walk my own walk before I talk the talk so to speak. So to everyone with their own goals for 2019, I wish you the best of luck in achieving your dreams.

Mrs. Imparato

New Year... Fresh Start... Nope, that’s no baby!

Carb baby has grown as much as I will allow!

 No, I am not starting off the new year with child... but rather with booze, lasagna, potatoes, and sugar... lots and lots of sugar. As much as I would rather answer awkward questions about my belly bloat with phrases other than, “nope... just had a really large burrito,” that just wouldn’t be the cold hard truth brought upon by choices that I have made for myself over the last few months years. So with carb baby (as I’ve so lovingly named my robust belly) as fully grown as he will get, there will come a new plan for this new year.

As a lot of my family and friends saw in 2015, Nate and I saw a lot of success with a keto lifestyle change which I have written about before, and with the internet full of more information about this way of living I will not go into detail here. I went from 190 lbs to 174 lbs in a matter of months all while feeling energized and healthier overall! My demise came when we went to Disney World and I did not have any respect toward the lifestyle while vacationing. Once back home, the carbs continued to find me. I would go off and on trying to get back into ketosis, but I never actually stuck with it as I did the first time.

As you can tell in previous blogs I also experimented with different dieting plans like Herbalife where I also saw a little success, but ultimately I personally could not continue accepting a shake as my meal. I missed chewing and experiencing my food, and as long as I am able, I would prefer to eat in in solid form. Thus continued my yo-yo experience with carbohydrates.

Well jump to today, January 1, 2018. Sure, I have taken a humorous approach to my current state, because that is all I can do right now. It is what it is, and the truth is that I have found all the pounds I have lost and then some. Nate will be the first one to confirm that I have already thrown my pity party. I have been so down on myself and so critical of what is in the mirror when I gaze at the reflection. Well guess what, there is nothing good coming from that angle. So enough is enough, I gained weight. Was it more than I ever wanted to gain again? Of course! But now I have the power to do something about it, and what I do with that power is my choice... not to mention I’m supposed to go to the beach in June... so there’s that motivation.

I’m hoping by opening myself up and sharing my vulnerable moments it will help me stay on track and maybe motivate others in similar positions. I am not only in it for weightloss but I also want to live a healthier lifestyle and become more active in 2018!

Thank you for your support and best wishes to you achieving your personal goals for the new year!

Mrs. Imparato

Difficulty with Selfishness and Alzheimer’s

This has been a touchy subject for me. I am ashamed to say that I have been avoiding acceptance of the disease and the course it is taking. In doing so have been avoiding my family altogether.

For quite especially the last two years, for every holiday or birthday, I have been going over to visit two strangers. Strangers who become different to me each new visit I make. Although I remain recognizable to them, they are nowhere resembling the grandparents I grew up with. You may have guessed it by now, but my grandparents have fallen victim to the heartbreaking diseases of Alzheimer’s and dementia.

I have been sitting back and staying away for very selfish reasons wondering if that is the norm of this disease... selfishness. Is it selfish to want to turn back time back to when we could have coherent conversations? Is it selfish to not want to have to talk my Grandma out of a meltdown because she is extremely confused? Is it selfish to go home and cry that you don’t want to go back after watching your Grandpa get lost going to his bedroom? Is it selfish to know you should go visit, but don’t make a valiant effort out of fear of being uncomfortable around people who used to help raise you? Am I a selfish jerk for being thankful that this horrible disease is not in my blood line?

And I am only the granddaughter. I definitely do not envy my mom for having to be in the frontline during this time. She has been a serious angel for her parents. The hardest job she will ever have is becoming a parent for the people who raised her. It is difficult to see her so sad over something she has absolutely no control over. I love here and I will be here for her, but something she said tonight really made my heart ache. She uttered the words, “I just need my mom.” I can’t imagine not being able to talk to my mom about something so challenging.

All I have control over now are the sweet memories I have of my grandparents and the wonderful times we have shared together. I can be thankful that I still have grandparents who I can go over and spoil since they spent so much time spoiling me. I am thankful that they are living their life out in their own home under the utmost care of their amazing caregivers. I am thankful for the family and friends who continue to wrap their arms around my mom and show her love as she continues to struggle with the ugliness of this disease.

Hold your family close and continue to make beautiful memories that you can cherish forever!